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ESPYs Retrospective
ESPYs are on, figured I might as well comment on it while I watch. I'm coming in a little late so I got some catching up to do. To get you, the reader, up to speed if you are not familiar: The ESPYs are awards handed out by ESPN for various things. Jimmy Kimmel and Lebron James are cohosting. Let's get motoring.
Couple quick notes before we get motoring. Phillies-Cards game ended around 8:10 cst. I am sure the producers were angry about the little 9th inning rally. I want the Phillies to make the playoffs. Only because they helped the Rockies' ground crew with the tarp during a major storm.
From Memory: Opening highlight montage was good. Other than I prefer to be able to see what is happening in a highlight rather than the most intense or interesting camera angle. I can't tell what the hell is going on in this thing. I imagine that these montages are directed by an autistic kid who is a big fan of Darren Aronofsky.
Some good jokes from Jimmy Kimmel to start. I have little faith it will keep up. But we'll see. Lebron has entered, fun little interaction between the two hosts. K. that's it.
Uh oh, they're hitting the point where they showed Dallas Clark. All the interesting athletes have been shown already. I hope Bubba Franks is there.
First award is presented by some dude from Transformers and Maria Sharapova. She is blatantly attracted to him. Good for him. Devin Hester wins, as he should. However... how is Evgeni Malkin not even considered for this award... He plays for the Penguins... yeah, the NHL team... No, Mario Lemieux doesn't play anymore... You know what, bite me. I like hockey.
K, now Shawn White and some other X game dude. Their whole bit is to check out Carmen Electra. I think the other dude whose name I missed is wearing a t-shirt with a tie printed on it. Like a tuxedo t-shirt but with a suit tie. I don't remember what the award was for or who won. Wait, I just remembered. Peyton Manning won for championship performance. Which, sorry, but his O-line won that game. They were the MVPs. That thankless you know what didn't thank them then or now. I don't think. I don't remember. This will be a lot easier when I comment on stuff as it happens.
Now We Go Live to My Comments as I Watch: Welcome back Michael Phelps. Thought maybe you were dead because I didn't hear anything about you. Turns out it just wasn't the Olympics. Danica Patrick is strong and sparkly.
There is a movie about the first all black swim team. I forget that form time to time and then when I'm reminded, it makes me think how far we have come since the days of Hoosiers when the team with the black kids was the bad guy. Talladega Nights won the ESPY. I've never seen it. Will Farrell had a pretty funny acceptance speech. CHRISTIAN SLATER!!
Hey ladies, do you like Under Armour? Because they have an ad directed at you now. Good God, are female athletes really this attractive? I watch softball or volleyball from time to time and I gotta think they picked an 'all star' team for this one. I hope someone puts this on Youtube soon. I would like to see it again.
I think I missheard this, but it sounded like they said there was a Ving Rhames award. Oops, nope, Gatorade award. I think Ving Rhames should have an award named after him though. He's earned it.
Lebrontourage was pretty funny. I like Claymation. It reminds me of the California Raisins. Sadly, there is a whole generation who doesn't know the Raisins. Leinart and Young are keeping up the "Do athletes know how to talk without sounding like it is taking all the concentration they can muster?" debate. I think English is every athletes' third language and they're trying desperately to hide the accent.
Boise St-Oklahoma won best game as it absolutely should. That game was unreal.
Ashley Judd is presenting with Pat Summit. I'm not sure exactly how I word the joke where I think Pat Summit might use her penis to sex Ashley Judd so I figure I will just be unclever with it. I think Pat Summit is gonna sex Ashley Judd with her penis. Crap, they're presenting the award named for Jimmy V. Whatever, I stand by views on the Ashley-Pat duo. Sweet, completely boring story about some coach. DAMNIT! She has had cancer three times. I'm going back to write the from memory section. I'm not going near this one. It is too sad.
Out of common courtesy, shouldn't the ESPYs film Drew Brees from his left side?
I don't think any award show director in history could 'cue the band' on a cancer survivor, but this director should consider it.
"Pat Summit and her Vols marched through the March Madness tournament". The person narrating this made Vols sound like balls. I felt vindicated. Under Armour commercial with the ladies is back. Thank you, Under Armour. I promise to purchase a product of yours at some point. Quick accuracy note: Has there ever been a women's volleyball game (what looks like high school or college, I hope college) with that many people in the crowd that excited? Aren't volleyball crowds usually 'obligation' crowds. Made up of cousins and sorority sisters and boyfriends and guys who are putting in the leg work to become a boyfriend or at least a tug buddy?
Couple Miller Chill ads. See below for my thoughts on Chill.
Hi Kelly Clarkson. I see you are going back to the cuter, slightly pudgier you. The Rock and Serena Williams. Super duper. CHRISTIAN SLATER!!! Admiral Rock and Serena just gave the most cryptic intro I have ever seen. Apparently it is for best record breaking performance. Kelly Slater has no chance at this award. But good for him for cracking the nominations. LaDainien Tomlinson correctly won. I am gonna call him The Great Dane from now on. He's thanking his line. A lot better than that S-bag Peyton Manning who says more disparaging remarks about his line than non-bad. Thanked his mom, spoke well, thanked his linemen, congrats to the Great Dane on being a-OK in my book.
Peyton Manning is here. Between his giant bumpy forehead, tiny face, and fidgeting while on stage,Peyton is making a good case that he is a third grader in a really bad production of a Gilbert and Sullivan play at a suburban grade school. They're presenting best female athlete. Taryne Mowatt wins. Maybe the Under Armour commercials were right. Oop, nope, sorry, they gave a close up. I am a little uncomforted by the fact that I find her more attractive while she's playing in a game than while she is in a formal gown. You can see the boredom on the faces of people in the audience. Peyton Manning congratulating Taryne backstage, followed by some banter followed by Dane Cook, then CHRISTIAN SLATER!!!! Guess they want people to turn the channel.
Uh oh. Just got better because the Under Armour (UA from now on) commercial with the dames came back. I just took the time to really watch. In the crowd of the volleyball game somone is holding a "We Must Protect This House Sign". UA, I love you. Unless I see that commercial three more times. I'm gonna start noticing things about the athletes in it and then I won't want to see them anymore.
I think the most defining aspect of the last 3 years has been what a glorious time it has been for weird looking people to get commercial work.
Sam Jackson. Cool. I think he is wearing a throw pillow as a hat. Ooooo, talking about the problems in Northern Ireland. Really underrated political issue. You rarely hear about it. And somehow it is related to Arthur Ashe. CHRISTIAN SLATER'S VOICE!!!! (he's narrating a piece about N Ireland). Boy, the ESPYs are just running the emotional gammut. I think that a guy was just listed as a Social Geographer. Neat. Northern Ireland really is messy. Just a thought. I've never seen a group of people peer pressured into a standing ovation until tonight. The front row got up and glared at everyone behind them. It was weird. K, one of the Irish guys had a stroke it would seem. He's having some issues with talking in flowing sentences. CHRISTIAN SLATER!!!
Mojitos are not very good. I don't know why someone would combine mint and lime. They probably added the rum because the only way that is a tolerable taste is to be drunk. Uh oh. Madden 08 comes out soon. The advantage to this show being taped is I am very confident it will end around 10 cst, as it is scheduled to do. Which is good because South Park is on then. I already missed Futurama for this.
Lebron is performing a hip hop song as an amalgamation of every 80's pop singer. He's completely tone deaf, but I give him credit for going b's out for it. Lebron has been amusingly self depricating throughout this show. I hope the Cavs actually get some help for him for next season. They showed some athletes who looked confused and horrified at what just happened. Boo them.
Best Play ESPY. Oh goody, Dane Cook. Dwayne Wade's RIDICULOUS over the back shot was awesome, but I don't know we can call that a play. Then again, I guess you could same the same about Endy Chavez. What an unbelievable catch though. Great punt return. Boise St won. I'll say, technically, it was the best play. But c'mon, the punt return, Wade shot, and Chavez catch were better. They showed Dave Winfield in the crowd. Fred McGriff better get his on camera smile ready.
Shaq is here to be sad again. Best moment time. Dungy and Smith as African American coaches. C'mon. I mean, great, but maybe I am just from the camp that this shouldn't be as noticed as it was. They were great coach's no matter what their race. I kinda wanted Derek Fisher to win this one. The Saints did and Derek looks kinda upset. Can we enroll all athletes into public speaking classes? I would have thought they would take it as part of their BS college course schedule, but I guess not. Can we make that the class that the coach checks in on and makes them adhere to. Matt Leinart looks chunky.
Showering together jokes is the new black apparently.
UA is running a pee wee football ad. Honestly, this could the most disturbing ad I have ever seen. The kid leading the chant on the bus looks creepily strong. It's so disturbing these 11 year olds are this intense and work out oriented. I would like the other ad for UA back next time please. Or their click clack one. I love that one, it is ridiculous. Rush Hour 3... really?
Chris Berman, Jamie Lynn Siegler, and some dude named Daniel. Chris Berman is wide. OK, here comes an award montage of stuff presented earlier. I am gonna try to keep up. Best NBA Player is Lebron, Coach is Tony Dungy, NHL Player Sidney Crosby, Action Sports Athlete Travis Pistrana, Action Female Sara Burke, Female Tennis Maria Sharapova, FInish Dodgers over Padres, MLS Player Landon Donovan, College Athlete Mlae KEvin Durant. I decided I won't edit that section so you can enjoy all my typos as I tried to type quickly. A lot of the above people were presenters. Shaaaaaadyyyyyyyy.
Kelly Clarkson and some dude who can't talk well either are on stage now. Apparently Kelly has given up on landing a husband. Or she's put on baby weight prior to a baby just to know what to expect. Best Team ESPY time. It's now 10:05pm cst. Damn Phillies-Cards game. Colts win. Boo that. Gators probably should have won that award. Coming out of the SEC AND beating Ohio State in what is best characterized as a pummeling merits an ESPY. Tony Dungy just said it wasn't the most talented team he has had. Ouch if you are on that team.
Macy Gray is there. Good for her. By my count she has outlasted her fame by about 4 years. No small feat. Damnit, its the creepy UA commercial with the kids. You had me sold, then you weirded me out with 11 year olds on steroids. Sorry, UA, our deal is off.
Jimmy Kimmel showering with Mike Tyson. Pretty funny. Wayne Gretzky with Mary J Blige to present Best Male Athlete. This is the first tandem that hasn't sounded like a couple of constipated robots. Time for best male athlete. I vote Roger Federer. He deserves much more attention than he gets. Dude is miles ahead of everone in his sport. The Great Dane wins. Three in the night. I like LaDainian. He should be wearing a sport coat though. He looks like he is at a wedding reception and about to go to the open bar and get another whiskey before he finally goes to talk to the 18 year old bridesmaid that he is too drunk to realize is a little freaked out by him.
What an awful closing musical act. They're thirty seconds in and already everyone there and here is bored. Common is here, thank God. Seriously, I like Common. Here we go. Common may have just saved this musical number from the music zombie known as Macy Gray. Uh oh, Macy is driving again. And it instantly sucks again. Now people awkwardly dance during the credits. Maria Sharapova wins my vote for awkward dancer award.
Now the ESPYs backstage begin and I go to bed. They ended 10 minutes later than they should have. Did they edit this to 2 hr 10 min? Bizarre.
There were no more shots of Christian Slater after the Irish thing. I think he left after it aired. I don't feel like a clever closer.
Closing Note: I just reread this to edit. I apparently am a big fan of short sentences with implied subjects
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3/24/2007 Baseball Draft Time
10:10 PM cst... Sunday. Yeah, it took me almost two days to finish this. Sorry to anyone sitting in eager anticipation. If you let me know who you are I will send you a personal e-mail apologizing. I don't think it will be a long list of people I need to return e-mails to.
Before I get cracking on this I would like to admit that the way I ordered the draft updates is not very helpful if you came in late.
Here is the key to the draft. Something happened to major league baseball since last season. Everyone got terrible. We have two less teams in our league this year which would lead you to believe that the talent pool would be much better. But here we are.
Without further ado... Here is the lineup for my team. Got a championship to defend which I reminded everyone in the league of as often as possible. I've run a marathon and I think winning fantasy baseball could be the hardest thing I have ever done.
Alright, let's be adults, that's not true, but it is difficult. Now, and this time I mean, here is the squadron.
- C Joe Mauer
- 1B Mark Texeira
- 2B Rickie Weeks
- SS Jose Reyes
- 3B Joe Crede
- MI Freddy Sanchez
- CI Edwin Encarnacion
- OF Bobby Abreu
- OF Carlos Lee
- OF Michael Cuddyer
- OF Delmon Young
- OF Chris Duffy
- Util Ryan Freel
- BN Barry Bonds
- BN Scott Thorman
- BN Xavier Nady
Gonna be making some changes there for sure. Now for the pitchers. You don't need a certain number of starters or relievers, but I put it here just in case you are unfortunate to use this as a guide to draft your team.
- CL BJ Ryan
- CL Takashi Saito
- CL Jose Valverde
- SP Dave Bush
- SP Jeremy Bonderman
- SP Scott Olsen
- SP Dan Haren
- SP John Patterson
- SP Jonathan Sanchez
- RP Scot Shields
- RP Joel Zumaya
- RP Pat Neshak
For the first time ever, I actually like my pitching staff. We'll see how this goes.
All in all, a fun draft. I'm pretty happy with my team especially considering what a horrible mess the majors are this year for some reason.
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4:50 PM Well it has been an eventful two hours. Someone just made a fart sound while we wait for another person to make a pick. They have stood next to the board for a solid 15 minutes. Thankfully college sports are on.
This experiment is failing. In so many ways. I may just start writing about some of the really offensive things we are discussing.
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2:41 PM The NHL is on the TV (Islanders 3- Flyers 3 after two). BC-St. Lawrence NCAA Hockey starts in T-minus 2 hours. What better time to talk about the state of the NHL than while in the middle of a baseball draft? Whatever you just said as an answer is correct.
Gary Bettman has killed the NHL. Not really a groundbreaking statement there, but the flaw didn't come in the labor negotiations. The NHL is better with a salary cap. The owners took a hard and needed stand to get it. The player's union was unrealistic in their demands and poorly run throughout.
The expansion explosion is what has damaged the NHL. The talent pool is diluted which lead to the clutch-grab game that turned off a lot of casual fans. Hockey is great, but it's not as popular as other sports. To play you need a rink and a lot of money to buy equipment. That automatically is going to make the sport difficult to spread.
Knowing this, the NHL took the approach of creating supply before demand. They put teams in places that hockey is not popular in the hope that having a team there would peak interest. Um... bad idea. Now we have struggling teams in places that don't want teams. The focus should have been on the ice and TV deals. That would raise interest. Instead they killed the on-ice product and took a year off. Therefore they lost their TV deal. That's not how a league gets successful.
I hope Bettman ends his reign soon. There's no way the NHL can grow longterm with him at the helm.
Pizza is here.
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1:30 PM, We are in Round 7 and Raul Ibanez is no longer on the board. Neither is Corey Patterson. If you just looked at a calendar to make sure it was not 2003, you are correct.
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It's 12 PM est. I'm armed with a draft kit including EPSN's 2007 projections, USA Today's Draft Newspaper thing, and the coup de gras, an issue of Sports Illustrated for Kids. Everyone who has come into the house has commented on the odor. I don't smell what they are talking about which I take as a negative.
I forgot this morning I said I was gonna be updating this throughout the draft. I regret the decision. Don't be surprised if I jump ship after hour 3. Last night I broke a glass by accident trying to cure someone's hiccups.
Since it's a formal event I am wearing my tuxedo t-shirt. I have a big task today as I won by a wide margin last year.
Here is how things are going to happen. We draw #'s between 1 and 10. That is the draft order. We do a snake draft which means that the order reverses every round. First in the first round goes last in the second round, first in the third round, etc. I've been on the wheel (first or last) every year and learned how to draft on it. If I don't get the wheel I won't know what to do.
Just picked the numbers and I will be drafting in the 3 hole. No too pumped. This is a thinking slot. We'll see how this goes.
Aaaaaaand we're off! Updating later.
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