Career Day
I was thinking last night about how I wanted to be a teacher when I was in elementary school. About how I used to set up my dolls and teach them their abc's. Then, I would try to feed them cheese (I was 5 who knows why).
I then wanted to be a lawyer, because my favorite show was Night Court. I then wanted to be a parapsychologist, because I liked ghost stories. Funny thing is, a quarter of a century later, I am still having the constant discussion of what I want to be when I grow up.
I have come to the inevitable conclusion that I will wake up in 10 years and be shocked as hell to see what I have become.
Actor, Grocery Clerk, Coffee Shop Entrepeneur, Writer, Lawyer, Journalist, Mom, Ghost Hunter, Political Activist for excavating John Larroquette's body, who knows. All I know is that if myself now, met up with myself ten years from now, my first reaction would be "Really? No shit." and then "Why are you wearing that labradoodle on your head?" Assuming labradoodle dogs on people's heads will be the fashion ten years from now.
Bikes
I recently got a bike for my birthday. It is a great gift, and one I had wanted for a while. However, I have discovered I am terrified of riding a bike in the city. I do it, but I pretty much ride like I am 8. As I am going down the street, I make a constant hum of "mmmmm....don't hit me.....oh...man....mmmmm".
Isn't bike riding supposed to be relaxing? That is what I have heard. That is what all the twenty-somethings speeding down the street cussing out cab drivers and wearing graphic tees with their bags of whole foods groceries make me think. They seem content, like this is their most empowering mode of transport.
Look, I cuss out cab drivers, I wear graphic tees, and I enjoy whole foods as much as the next person holding onto their lifestyle of raw almonds and goat's cheese. I also look quite adorable with my green helmet and red bike (it's like Christmas rolling down the street with me) But, for the life of me, I can't make a left turn through an intersection without almost bursting into tears. Maybe the advice I have been given is right, I just have to keep riding and get better.
I think maybe after I smash my first taxi car hood with my bike lock, I will feel like I have arrived.
Groceries
I am completely out of groceries. My goal for this week is to see how long I can sustain myself on cereal. I have LIFE cereal just for that extra kick in the pants.
Yeah, you could say, "Megan, why don't you just go buy some groceries?" Well, moneybags, screw you and your gold plated top hat.
Cubs Win!
Well, almost.... I am the most un-sporty person. But, I will fully admit that for the next few weeks, I will go to the sports bars, get drunk, and make slurred remarks of encouragement for the Cubs. I will also buy any sort of t-shirt that says "Cubs World Series Champions 2007". Why? Because, I sell out super fast.
Then, I might tell a ghost story. Why? Because, apparently, I also do that when I am drunk.
Of Boxes and Bribery
Part 1-
Moving. I am doing it at the end of this month. I am excited about it, because I get to get away from my psychotic landlord. Plus, it’s that whole clean apartment, starting over feeling. However, I am dreading it because I usually end up hating people and getting into huge fights during the whole moving process. And, of course, there’s the packing.
It’s pressure filled…that moment where you look at your apartment, that has accumulated 2 years of crap, and know that you have to pack everything up all nice and neat into boxes and bags. It takes forever. I hate it.
I usually start by throwing away everything I no longer need or donating it. I will take this time to make a shameful confession…I usually throw away a lot of stuff. I mean a lot. Ever taken a trash bag full of old canned goods to a dumpster? I have.
Hundreds of dollars of clothes you thought you would love forever and groceries you bought during one of those “I need to eat more vegetables” phases…dumped, ditched. All to lighten the load while moving. Wasteful? Probably. Do I feel bad about it sometimes late at night? Sure. But, still, I ditch some stuff, take some stuff to a donation site, and I pack other stuff. It happens every time I have ever moved. It’s a vicious cycle.
More to come…
Of Boxes and Bribery
Part 2-
I wish I could just take a night and move it all by myself. Under the cloak of darkness. Just pack up everything and take it over car load by car load. I could stay up all night and just get it done. But, this can’t happen. Why? 1) I don’t own a car and 2) I need help.
I’m a girl. It’s true. Ask my mom. I have poor upper body strength. Well, I can lift stuff, but not a bed or a dresser. Not by myself. Although I will never admit it while moving. I will be stubborn about it until the end. “The end” meaning- when I hurt myself.
And I really don’t like trying to guilt people into helping me move. Yeah, I need the help. Yeah, they are my friends, so they should help me. But, let’s be honest…no one wants to spend an entire day helping someone move. Sure, they will be nice and friendly about it. And, I will thank them for it. But, people, more often than not, respond to the idea of helping people move with the same enthusiasm as if I walked up to them and asked “Hey, would let me poke you with a sharp stick all day while standing in the blazing sun? I’ll buy you some pizza.” Regardless of if they want to be there or not, people that help are tip top.
Is that a moral? Who knows. Maybe.
It’s Your Job Loser.
It angers me when people act indignant about doing stuff that their job entails. So, I am writing this little shout out to those people.
-Cab Drivers – Have change. Seriously. On a Friday or Saturday night, don’t tell me that you can’t take anything other than the exact fare, because you don’t have change. And, don’t make me feel bad because I have a $20 bill to pay for my $8 cab ride. Just give me my change and we can both move on with our lives.
-My Old Landlord – It is your job to have a working smoke detector in every apartment. I am not flame retardant, no matter what you think. It is also your job to make sure the lights in the staircase work. I don’t want to have to count the number of steps on my way down, so I don’t fall. I am not Mary Ingalls, no matter what you think. Remember when the water went out for a week and you didn’t tell any of the tenants? Yeah, that was your job, too. I don’t care if you are old. Sell the f’ing building then.
-Lady at CVS – Yes, I want cash back. I wouldn’t ask for cash back if the machine didn’t say I could have cash back. So, don’t act annoyed that you have to take the extra 2 seconds to dig into the register and give me a 10 spot.
-Guy at Jimmy Johns – Yes, the sign clearly says you close at 10pm. So, don’t let hungry people in at 9:45 and let them stand in line under the false pretense that they are going to be able to get a sandwich. Then, when they get to the front of the line and order a Turkey Tom, don’t tell them that you are closed. Tell them at the door before they waste their time. Or better yet just make them their sandwich and close and lock the door at 10 like the sign says.
-Physician’s Assistant- Don’t make me feel stupid for asking medical related questions during my check up. I am concerned about this. You are here to make me feel medically sound, not dumb.
-WebMD- Don’t put ideas into my head about every ache and pain I have. When I enter in that I have a headache, don’t automatically tell me that I have a brain tumor. Let’s start off logically…maybe I stare at a computer screen all day and my head just hurts. You aren’t running an old time medicine show here, so stop acting like it.
3/23/07
An Open Letter to the Big Umbrella Lady
Dear Big Umbrella Lady-
It is raining today. We can all agree on that. But, why do you need to have an oversized golf umbrella just for you? Don’t you realize you are on a crowded sidewalk with people trying to get to work in a hurried manner? Don’t you realize that when you take up half the sidewalk with your oversized green and white striped monster that it shoves me out into the rain? I even came horrifyingly close to being hit in the eye by one of the metal edges of your umbrella. What would you have done then, B.U.L.? What?
Big Umbrella Lady, this is a problem. This isn’t the first time I have seen you do this. It has got to stop. Do we need to have a sit down? Do you think that you are too big to fit under a regular sized umbrella, which is meant for one person? Big Umbrella Lady, you are not fat. You are normal size. Granted your aqua turtleneck is ugly, but we will save that for a different time. No, you are a healthy middle aged woman who smells a little like strawberry cream cheese.
So, in conclusion, Big Umbrella Lady, you do not need an umbrella of that size to protect you from the rain. You just don’t. Look, there is a Walgreens right across the street. We can go in there together, and I can help you pick one out. And, yes, it can even be aqua to match your butt ugly turtleneck.
Sincerely,
Megan
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A look into Megan’s head:
This week: College
I once created an imaginary character in college named, Gobbleligadoo. She was a miniature person who lived in my pocket. She even had a dog named, Fairrendeekadoo. Her friend was Blaze Fontaine who lived on the back of my college friend, Tadd. Blaze Fontaine used to work in a circus before coming to live on Tadd’s back. Blaze also often lived in a protective bubble. Because….well, I am not sure why.
One day, Gobbleligadoo was smashed when she was accidentally dropped on the floor. I am not sure what happened to Fairrendeekadoo. Maybe he ran away?
I am pretty sure Blaze Fontaine still lives on today in Tennessee.
This concludes today’s look into Megan’s head. Scary, right?
3/9/2007 This is Megan’s Rec Room.
It is just a comfy place to hang out with the other kids. No pressure. Maybe we’ll play ping-pong. Maybe we’ll bust out the darts. Or maybe we’ll just talk about life. Anyway you go it’s going to be a time to remember.
I might use this space to talk about some “bloggish” stuff. I actually hate the term blog. So, we will just call it “The Nook of Annoyances.” Yeah, that sounds a lot cozier.
Man, I wish I could understand what kittens think. That could be something else I might include. “Things Megan Wishes She Could Do, But Never Has” That feels right.
We need some smiles in here. How about a “Happiness Corner”? If you are having a bad day, it just might make you smile. But, maybe it won’t. Don’t worry. Like I said, no pressure.
